Best Friend.

If it’s possible to end relationships with boyfriends, then is it also possible to end relationships with best friends?

Yeah, just a random question that popped out of nowhere while I was rummaging through my college stuff this morning. I saw her letters. I saw her pictures. I saw many things that only remind me of her and the things we’ve been through together. I look at these things and feel too much things. Anger, probably. Pity, maybe. Nostalgia, even.

Of course I have not forgotten that I left Dumaguete many weeks ago without settling one heck of a problem with one of my closest friends ever.

I left feeling like the meanest person in the world. She did not even do anything to me—she was just being herself. And there I was treating her like shit.

Yes, I admit I’ve been harsh and completely unfair for the last few weeks of second semester and even for the years I’ve known her. I know that. Despite the fact that she has always been that person who’s capable of running on her high heels from guy hall to our dorm the moment I call her and tell her I’m sick and can’t get out of bed or something. That she’s my punching bag--the only witness to that other side of me I can’t show other people. That she is my, and I quote from a person I know, “Number one fan” (rarr). My non-fictional Samwise. The only person who doesn’t make me feel bad that I still don’t have a boyfriend. So despite all these things, how could I be so mean to her?

It’s because maybe for me she acts too immature. I guess I don’t have all the patience in the world to always have to deal with that. I mean, just like her and any other person in the brink of his or her college life, I have these pressures coming from school work and other co-curricular activities, as well as from my family enough to make me go insane. I don’t need her to add up to my problems. Many times I’ve tried to tell her what I think but every time I do, she only looks at me, not really hearing what I say, probably refusing to hear what I say.

This isn’t about me. Heck, I am not ranting right now because I hate having her burden my entire college life. I do love having her around and although sometimes she is irritating with her ways that remind me of my seven year old cousin, she is my friend and I care so much for her that’s why I need to let this out. For the nth time, here I am saying I want her to do what I’ve always wanted her to do: change. And the reason why I want her to do that is because life can’t always be as fun. Soon, we will be graduating and she would have to work just like everyone else and she would have to meet other people. And she can’t forever keep making these people understand. She can’t forever find a friend who can put up with all her ways. Let’s face it: People outside are harsh—harsher than me, no doubt.

The alarming thing is that because she’s too immature for her age, she appears too vulnerable to others. Because of that, people think that she’s very easy to be bossed around and taken advantage of. I sometimes think this is that one reason why she always finds herself in messes too unbelievable for an outsider to, well, believe.
I also think this is also the reason behind one of her never-ending complaints. She keeps complaining that people keep talking behind her back. Frankly, I think that backbiting is something that we can’t banish of its existence in the world—something that we just can’t delete into every person’s system. The truth is that all of us backbite a lot. What, don’t tell me she never does it? We’re close enough to know that she does it too.

But if you think about it, if people don’t see anything wrong with a person, then no negative comments will come out in the first place. Except people see something in her, and that’s the problem. Almost all people she has encountered here in college that I get the chance to talk with have something negative to say about her. For one, the people from both her previous and current dormitories have all these negative things to say that I so am just sick of hearing—just the same old complaints about her immaturity. But the thing is that when people talk behind our backs, we can’t just put all the blame on them for doing so. Of course we have the right to hate them for quite some time but we must eventually move on with the bitterness and start reflecting on our very own actions. We must eventually understand that there might be a pretty good reason why they are saying all these things.

I know that of all people, I should be the one to understand her. I know most of her problems and I am most familiar with her background. I know for a fact that she’s an only child and that’s a probable reason for her to be sometimes reliant on others. But I know a lot of only childs and they are as independent and as mature as can be. Maybe what she needs to do first is toughen up. Okay. I’m not exactly poster child for toughness and you know what? That’s exactly the reason why I’m suggesting this to her. She’s too much a good person to ever have to go through the things I have gone through because of my sensitivity. I’m saying out of my own unfortunate experiences that she can’t forever wait it out for each problem she encounters to pass by because strong people do action and not sulking. She can’t forever cry on her bed when she hears people talking behind her back. She can’t forever run to people when she’s frustrated with something. For all she knows, the people she runs to may have something bad to say about her as well.

So anyway. It’s given that I am maldita especially when it comes to her but I ask her, is she not maldita with me too? She keeps telling people about my treatment with her while missing out on that detail of her also fighting back. So don’t tell me I’m being unfair. Quits lang.

She’s not really thinking that there must be a reason why I only act like this when I’m with her. I mean, I don’t do with my other friends the same thing I do with her. It’s not that I’m taking advantage of her just because I have a stronger personality and all. No, it’s not that. It’s that I’m far from perfect to be able to deal with her and all her ways 24/7. I’ve known people nearby who can’t stand being with her even for an hour so maybe they could try putting themselves in my shoes. She is with me almost all the time and nearly every single time I’m with her, she never fails to test my patience. I guess we all have our own flaws. Mine, really, is that I get irritated quite easily. Hey, I am not so wonderful and I can’t always control my boiling point.

I guess you could say that the solution here, really, is to just avoid each other for good. Our friendship, I should say, is no longer healthy. To tell you honestly, I’ve already tried many times to distance myself—many times I’ve tried avoiding her and many times I’ve tried explaining to her why. But every time I do she acts in odd ways that makes me feel all awful and guilty.

Even though it pains me to let go of all the memories I’ve made with her, I think it’s really just for the best to keep this distance. I will miss her company but at the same time I can’t bear think about what we could still do to each other in the future if we keep hanging out.

I sometimes wonder about the real reason why we became the best of friends in the first place if we have conflicting personalities. And the only answer I could think of is proximity. If she lived in Edith Carson or somewhere else far away from Woodward and that if we weren’t KabSis and if we don’t have the same religion, then I think she’d just be another friend in college.

As much as people would often say that it’s harder to let go of best friends more than boyfriends, I think this will be, I should say as I set free all our pinky swears and the rest of our sisterhood memories, for the best.

Bye, friend. But I hope that despite this, you’d still be one of my bride’s maids when I get married someday and I hope that I still am, too, when you do.