Saturday, November 28, 2009

Invisible.




Some weeks ago, I was writing about Those Guys Who Have No Idea That They Have Actually Wronged Me, and last night I had a dream nightmare about one of them. Neah, never mind, I won’t give you the details about that dream nightmare.

I am going to share with you, however, a journal entry about that person, to give credit to him for visiting me in my dreams and waking me up at 3am, sweating, panting, screaming.

And by the way, just to make things clear, this person I just had a dream nightmare about is not the same special person I was talking about on my previous entry. This is another guy. Okay? Okaaaaay?

We’ll call him Chlorofluorocarbon, CFC if you hate tongue twisters. And if you’re wondering about the bizarre code name…don’t bother.

So before I share with you the entry, I ask please, don’t judge me. I was completely fooled then (and wait, if you think about it, I’m still fooled now considering that despite all the hurts, I still bother dedicating one whole post on my blog for him…TSK!!!). I was brainwashed and he didn’t even have to do anything.

But you know what? It just gave me an idea: if I become president of the Philippines, I would mandate a law that states No man should break a woman’s heart in any way—even when he’s oblivious about the fact that he’s doing it (aka the Heartbreak Law). Anyone who violates this law would have to pay a sum of P5,000,000 and serve ten years in prison.

Woohoo! WOMEN EMPOWERMENT!!! I mean hello, breaking a woman’s heart into a million bits is just like murdering an innocent person. I am not even imposing death penalty so I think all’s fair. And oh, the Heartbreak Law only applies to heartbroken WOMEN. Another law supporting heartbroken men could be issued. I just am not the right person to support that law. Sorry. :p



Anyway. Here’s the journal entry dated August 30, 2008:




I saw him last night. He was wearing his uniform. He looked really good it made me blush. I thought it would be our chance to finally talk.

“Just one genuine HI from you, Jeahan. That’s just what he needs for him to realize that everything did not just end last summer.” I hear my roommate talking and see myself like a puppy completely uwat-ed to whatever she was saying.

CHLOROFLUOROCARBON. He was my classmate but I don’t reckon ever talking to him during our class. We even became group mates, yet words just won’t come out whenever he’s around.

It’s not like I was even attracted to him at first. Yes, I knew he was kind and I thought he had that quirky smile I found irresistibly cute. And when our eyes would meet during class interactions, I’d feel just a little bit of chill down my spine. But I ignored these at the time for I liked someone else in that class.

The semester ended and summer came. I saw his profile in Friendster and decided to add him as my friend. After all, I knew him…he was my classmate, so why not add him, right? I never thought that it would be the start of that which added some sweetness to my summer (which later on made me realize that the beautiful things do happen during times when you least expect them to happen).

I once asked him why I’ve been meeting the wrong guys, the very reason, by the way, why I am like this: not completely a man hater but on a day-to-day basis, I try to keep my distance from the opposite sex. He must have laughed for I asked the question to him, of all people. Later on he told me (well, commented/typed) this: “You know, maybe you’ve already met the right ones, you just don’t know until you really talk to them and get to know them a bit (like what we are doing right now).”

When I read this on my computer screen, I actually cried. I CRIED!!!!!!! I kept on asking God, “Could he be IT??? Could that *insert his course here* boy from my *insert the class where we became classmates here* class be the person I have been waiting for all my life?”

He understood me. He listened. He responded. I didn’t have to pretend to be perfect or cool because actually, our imperfections were one of the things that we freely admitted with one another.

For many years I have been listing the qualities that I want to defy the man of my dreams. Hell yeah, he has to be TALL, SMART, ATHLETIC WITH A PERFECT SMILE AND A PERFECT LIFE. Maybe that is one of my mistakes. I’ve been keeping my standards so high. I’ve not been searching for the right person—I’m only searching for someone who can only live in the figment of my imagination, the one who’s undeniably perfect. But there is no perfect guy, I have come to realize. A lot of them out there try to be one, and that’s just so annoying. This guy, however, is visible, very much reachable and is just not afraid that he does something lame on many occasions. He laughs and learns from his mistakes. Isn’t he just the perfectly imperfect guy?

What I remember most about him is when he said (well, typed), “There is always someone in the world having almost the same thoughts as you do.”

Now here’s the thing. I have convinced myself a long time ago that it’s impossible to meet someone who almost thinks the same way I do because there are 6 billion people in the world and if there ever is a person who does think almost as I do, there’s only 2% chance that I’d ever be able to meet that person.

But that summer, the 2% chance that I laughed about suddenly became a hundred. Someone else in the world does have almost the same thoughts as I do. And that someone happens to be that boy, my seatmate during one activity, the one I completely ignored. Who would have thought??? While others searched high and low all over the world, I had mine inside the classroom.

He put the sweet, purple icing on the foamy, tasteless chiffon cake of my summer...





But the chiffon cake grew molds in time. Yes, everything started and ended that summer.

Everything ended because:


  1. After that summer, I never was able to muster up the courage to talk to him on campus, and why, you ask? I have no idea why, maybe I was scared, maybe I just wanted to wait or maybe we just weren’t meant to be, period.

  2. Wait. What ended? We never really had anything to begin with. He was just being a friend. A really sweet and good friend who makes you want to believe that you’re really special, like special I-want-you-more-than-a-friend kind of special.

  3. Again, ladies and gents. I WAS FRIGGIN ASSUMING.





I was being that natural assumer that I always have been so he got himself a girlfriend.

Oh you have no idea. Absolutely no idea how my world just shatters into micro pieces every time I see him with his girlfriend.

Let’s put it this way: I lived in this fantasy that I finally met Prince Charming and as it turns out one day I realize Prince Charming happens to be a toad…alright…not a toad, but just not the Prince Charming for me.

From the very beginning I have made myself believe that he has a thing for me, that’s why those comments I got from him signaled Like Like when it was just Like.

I REALLY WAS SMILING FOR NO REASON THAT SUMMER.

I thought I found love in him, but I was wrong. I was so, so wrong.

But tell you what. It really was hard getting over him. It took me many, many excruciating months to get over him. He really is the closest thing I ever had to a Prince Charming. HOW SAD IS THAT??? I used to think that even if he will never realize just how much I treasure him in my heart, I will keep on waiting that one day we would be able to talk and we will understand each other. I might only be assuming things again but still, I am opening my doors because maybe, just maybe, I am also special to him.

I can say that he is now placed in line together with the other people who can prove to you right now how much of a loser I really am. Especially with this. Especially with love.

I don’t hate him. I hate me. And I hate what has happened to us. If fairy godmother appears right now, I won’t ask for a new pair of Havaianas. I’d ask her to turn back time until that night when I saw his name in Friendster and added him.

I wish I never gave those comments. I wish he never was that smart. I wish I never let myself fall. I wish I don’t feel sorry for myself right now.

Yes, I have gotten way over him but sometimes I still wonder what would it have been really like if it had been us?

If he had become my first ever boyfriend since Land Before Time?

I used to believe he was perfect for me. But perfect is not perfect enough, I guess.

That’s why he never was able to approach me.

That’s why we never were able to talk.

That’s why we never got to know each other more.

That’s why we’re not together right now.

And that’s why they passed right in front of me, holding hands.

Enjoy, dude. I’m happy for you. At least you finally found that love you’ve been talking about some months plus forever ago.




THIS ONE'S FOR YOU.







Well, I'm not a fan. I heard this song from my sister's playlist one boring afternoon. It just struck me how much this song so much talks about how I kinda feel right now. Way to go, Taylor Swift. HAHA. By the way, I have nothing against The Girl.



Lyrics:


She can't see the way your eyes
Light up when you smile
She'll never notice how you stop and stare
When ever she walks by

And you can't see me wanting you
the way you want her
But you are everything to me

And I just want to show you
She don't even know you
She's never going to love you
Like I want too
And You just see right through me
If you only knew me
We could be a beautiful miracle
Unbelievable, instead of just invisible

There's a fire inside of you
That can't help but shine through
She's never gonna see the light
No matter what you do

And all I think about
Is how to make you think of me
And everything that we could be

Like shadows in a faded light
We're invisible
I just wanna open your eyes
and make you realize
I just want to show you
She don't even know you
Baby let me love you, let me want you.

You just see right through me
But if you only knew me
We could be a beautiful miracle,
Unbelievable, instead of just invisible.

She can't see the way your eyes
light up when you smile.



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Friday, November 6, 2009

You ask me about what I fear at the moment.

Let me start here: It's an obvious fact even a five year-old can understand that when you really, really, REALLY like someone everything that person says means something to you.

DUH.

And sometimes you interpret it the way you want because you want the feeling to be mutual.

DUH-rer!!!

But the devastating part is this: what if you’ve been reading between the wrong lines?

DUH-rest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sorry for taking advantage of the unlimited use of exclamation points on my keyboard, I just want to make sure that you understand my wrath or fury or whatever)

So tell me, what would you do if you ever found out that he only sees you as a friend?

Ohgoodnessgracious. Killyourself ASFASTASYOUCAN…

…fine I’ll cut the drama. :(


But I'll let you in a little secret: Yes, I like him so much that I’m afraid to get hurt if I find out he’s not interested to have me as nothing more than a friend.

There I said it.

I’ve been making my life miserable for many years now. See, I am an assumer. Yes, haven’t you heard? Assuming is the first step in making a complete fool of yourself.



  • In fourth grade, I assumed that ________ liked me when he announced to the whole class that his crush’s name starts with letter J. There were 15 of us whose name start with letter J. 15, mothaheffingsheek.


  • Freshman year of high school, I assumed that _________ liked me when I caught him with his friends staring and smiling at me. Only later did I find out that the reason they were staring and smiling at me was because I stained my grey school uniform at the back. They didn’t even tell me, those Jerks.


  • Junior year of high school, our Acquaintance Party, and the whole day all I’ve ever really been thinking was that ___________ would finally ask me to dance with him during the Free Dance. I assumed he liked me because he told me I was cute. Later on I found out that he says that to every girl in school (But that wasn’t the most devastating part, I realized, because what really hurts me even until now is that I never really experienced a slow dance in high school).


  • Freshman year in college, I assumed that my long-haired classmate in BC11 liked me because he keeps staring at me. I found out I was wrong when one day, I saw him kissing a girl under that stupid tree in front of the soccer field. I never really knew the reason why he kept staring at me during classes. Maybe I was too ugly he just couldn’t stop staring, I don’t know. But anyway, because of that I have learned not to trust a Like signal from a guy’s stare…but that doesn’t really mean that I can’t keep making the stupid mistakes, right?


  • Summer before my second year in college, I assumed that a guy liked me because of the long, sweet comments that he’d reply in Friendster. Even my friends thought he was IT. Now, you can only imagine the agony when right before my very eyes, he fell in love with somebody else. Add to that my discovery that he didn’t even type those comments. He made someone else do it. I was fooled when I already am a fool. Sheetofpaper. Can we stop talking about this now?




Oh seriously. Just kill me. All I ever really wanted was for one to return the same feelings I stupidly had for him. Is that such a crime???

I am beginning to hear the "Feeler Feeler Feeler" and other side comments at the end of my laptop. Is that noise I’m hearing right at this moment from you guys? Fine. I deserve that.

Because no matter how I make myself appear kawawa right now, the blame should be put on no one else but me. I mean, what in the world did I ever expect from those stupid aholes (oops sorry)anyway? I was a guinea pig to them. I was so darn naïve.

But I want you to know that I've had enough of my stupidity. HOOOOORAAAAAY. For a change, I don't want to be that person who keeps expecting that in a sea of strangers, somebody would uplift me from the emptiness I feel inside.

I am tired of being the one who keeps chasing.

I DON’T JUST DON’T WANT TO LOOK STUPID ANYMORE, for pete’s sake.

Let me get this straight. Well actually, I can’t get this straight. Because we all at this twisted situation I am trying to make a big deal of are so clueless. Really. I have no idea that they make fun of me. They have no idea that they hurt me. I have no idea that they hurt me. I have no idea. They have no idea. Period. Forget me getting this straight for you. SORRY. :)

I keep avoiding the same mistakes but I guess I never really learn because at the end of the day, I always go for what my heart dictates. Yes, ladies and gents. This is very Jeahan. Because even though a guy would give me the humiliation of the century, I may still go on thinking that he was doing it for my own good or any other reason as stupid as that.

I DON’T THINK CRITICALLY much. I always go for what I only think would make me happy—yes, some things did make me happy, but only for a while. Nothing lasted because I’ve been choosing all the wrong options. That's precisely the reason why I am always surrounded by the temporary happiness that later on unfolds into something scary that can break my heart into a million bits.

So I am afraid. For him. For me. For us.

Funny, by the way, how out of the many guys that I have encountered in my life, he is the hardest to deal with. I swear!!! He is just so hard to understand it makes me cry every time I try figuring out why. Oh shoot I did not just say that. Anyhow, although he has become the hardest to deal with, he probably would be the most unforgettable guy in my life.

I know continuing the friendship that we have started will really make me happy. But as our story progresses, what will happen to us? Will we become something that I have dreamed of all my life, or will we be just friends foreverandeveramen? (Ohgawd. I hate that I can’t predict my own future).

So you see, I want to avoid making more mistakes so I avoid him. I don’t want to put an end to our fairytales-ish story that we started many semesters back.

I’m sorry I couldn’t make him understand. And I’m sorry I have to keep denying my feelings for him. I don’t want him to be like every other guy—that’s how special he is to me. I am trying my best to not keep making the same mistakes for him. I try not to assume anymore. I am saving him but until then I think I’m better off giving him the blank stares whenever we see each other on campus.



P.S.
Yay! Another post! I would like to thank him, those guys who have no idea that they have wronged me, the B*tch ringtone and my stupid fan that is no longer working. I LOVE YOU ALL no matter what happens. Promise.
Haaaaaaaaaa. :)



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