Confession Number One

So tell me.
What's it really like to fall in love?

I've heard too many tales from other people, but it still leaves me much too clueless. It isn't any wonder for me though: how should I know the feeling, when for seventeen years, love has never--not even close--come my path. They say love is an unexplainable feeling that you will never really understand, not until you have experienced it for yourself. Yes, I have missed out on hugs and roses and chocolates and sweet letters. I have missed out on gushing and blushing and serenades. I have missed out on the most beautiful thing this life has to offer--what I have always wanted (than I may never have)--the very thing that keeps people moving and makes life itself worthwhile. I have missed out on love.

I was never able to smile with flying hearts on my background. And I tell you, it's not easy. I am the person you see walking next to a couple who are holding their hands together. I am the person who goes inside a flower shop, looks at the beautiful roses and wonders just when I'd be able to get one. I am the person you happen to pass through the benches--the person who just sits, arms crossed, and stares at the laughing boy and girl at the bench just across. I am the person who secretly cries inside the shower room, wondering if there's really somebody saved especially to lift up the loneliness and emptiness I feel inside. I cry because I believe only Prince Charming can rescue me from this, yet he is so taking his time, I guess, that sometimes it's almost impossible to believe that he's ever coming at all.

And so, who is Prince Charming?
That is the big mystery.
It's like a quest to finding out who the real villain is in a movie--but here, the villain was never found, and the movie ended with the main character committing suicide.
Sad, sad ending.
People watching at the movie house threw popcorns everywhere.
Because sad ending = bad movie.
They all agree.
Definitely.

But of course, things can still change. My life hasn't ended yet, riiiight? I don't want people to watch the full-length movie of my life and throw popcorns afterwards, demanding to get a refund. No.

So anyways, let's go back to this huge mystery called The Search for the Unknown Prince Charming. It started from way back when I thought it was Andy*, but everything didn't work out. From my freshman year up until my junior year in high school, I thought it was Keith*. In my senior year, I thought it was Gabriel*. Last, last year, I thought it was Peter*. Last year, I thought it was Ted*. Last month, I thought it was Harry*. Last week, I thought it was David*. Yesterday I thought it was Bob*.

From too much assuming, I get hurt. I get hurt because these guys reject me. They don't see my importance. They keep passing me by for another girl. I can't tell you how much it hurts me whenever I guy shoves it right through my face that he has chosen some better girl over me. Only a few get rejected by love in this lifetime. Pity me because I am one of those unfortunate ones.

The situation is really unfair no matter how I put it. Sometimes I end up looking at the mirror, screaming at the top of my lungs:

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???

am I:


• unapproachable?


• intimidating?


• too busy?


• weird?

what?

Negative adjectives I associate with myself ends me with this conclusion sometimes:

Maybe it's just time to face the fact that no matter what I do, I can never be as pretty, or as funny, or as smart, or as talented, or as awesome as those girls with perfect smiles and perfect hair and excruciatingly perfect lives.

Without meaning to, sometimes you just do figure out that maybe life is always going to be in favor of the other side when you see how some girls can just draw guys near them without taking much effort--sometimes, no effort at all. And when you think about the years you've spent just to taste a piece of one sweet love, you can't help but wonder why you weren't born like those other girls who get plenty of fishes in the sea.

Why do I have to be the loser who gets left no fish at all?



*Names have been changed just because. :)


............

Ten random things from Facebook.

and I would never, ever get tired of waiting. :)

10

Things you wish you could say to 10 different people right now (don’t tell us who).

1. I used to believe that you were different from them, that you really cared, and that you’re just that person I’ve been dying to meet my whole life. I wanted you to like me, so everything you said appeared more than just friendship. But now I realize how stupid I was to believe those things—just because you were the first person who gave me the seriousness I pretty much needed. Everything did start and end that summer, didn’t it? Well, I hope you’re happy now.


2. It hurts that even the simplest of things--like my globe sim card--you can’t give just because you “think” I’d rather put my attention on other people than you. It’s not true; As a matter of fact, I have a loser text social life. It hurts because you don’t trust me. I understand that you’re just trying to protect me, but I think it’s time for me to grow up and face things on my own.


3. One moment you were just crying out “Memmmmmmy!!!” because I cut your hair (not that you have any) with a pair of brand new scissors, and the next thing I know, you’re also packing your bags, off to a new place with me. It’s the two of us again. Only, you’re a little bit taller than me this time. ;)


4. I don’t understand why they keeping pushing me to you. I can’t imagine us being together. To me, you’re a friend I love hating (you know what I mean…), and I want it to stay that way forever.


5. I don’t even know how to explain myself for all the lies I have told you. I just wanted to be accepted. I know our friendship will never be the same again, but I’m still hoping that you could at least forgive me.


6. I’m glad fate finally gave me the chance to be your friend. I hope I get to know you more, because you’re a very interesting person. ;) I still cringe whenever I think about the fact that you remember what I consider one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Haha. Oh yeah, I was serious when I said you’re invited to my party.


7. Please don’t fail me. Please don’t fail me. Please don’t fail me.


8. I’m kinda worried because since the summer started, I’ve been missing out on that wowowee dancer wannabe who’d pull off my hair and strangle me as Papa *toot* passes by. It’s weird seeing someone flickering out a fuchsia-pink-and-neon-green-combination sort of outfit, and not to mention that tuk tuk tuk of a heels, but I’d have to say, they’re exactly what makes you stand out, and I’m really gonna miss that if I don’t see that when I get back.


9. I am so going to miss you if you leave us. I’ve had enough people leaving me, please don’t do what the rest of them did.


10. I don’t know when, I don’t know where. But I’ll be seeing you. <3

9

Things about yourself.

1. I am completely appalled by brutal death. I hatechainsaws. And blood is the reason why I can never take a medical course. But I do love, love the movie Final Destination. Haha.


2. On random days, I’d pose and project in front of the mirror, imagining that I am Tyra Banks.


3. I am black and white. Happy and sad. Cold and warm. Love and hate. Complicated and simple.



But it’s just mostly complicated.



4. I decide to do one thing, jump without thinking twice, panic halfway towards the pit, then end up in the dumpsters.


5. When I get a teenybopper crush on somebody, I dedicate half a journal writing uncanny nonsense about that person.


6. I have lost enough g-techs to last me a lifetime.


7. Sometimes when I feel like my life is a mess, I look at pictures of the people in my life and instantly feel so much better.


8. By far, the wisest decision I have made in my life is my college course. I mean, I don’t exactly have such flying colors here, but at least I’m happy, right?


9. Again and again, I’ll repeat this one: I am the girl who is yet to realize that she shouldn’t settle for anybody less than the man she has always dreamed of.

8

Ways to win my heart.

1. An unforgettable first kiss on top of the Eiffel Tower. Background fireworks, not optional, but required.


2. Stargazing at an eerie cemetery. Bring your own telescope, okay? ;) then let me view a star, and say, “That star has been named after you.” Of course you must show me a document from NASA as proof.


3. An adorable children’s choir singing a lovely song you have written especially for me. And you get to have a solo part of the song, obviously.


4. Sunset strolling while eating nachos, then the villains appear out of nowhere. You stare then start performing your wicked ninja skills on them. Crool! :)


5. Do some crazy monkey bars stunts on a Ferris Wheel then threaten me that you’ll let go of your grip if I won’t go out with you.*wink*


6. Say James Marsden’s lines on the movie 27 Dresses. You know…the I-think-you-deserve-to-be-taken-care-of-for-a-change line ba.


7. One of these days, I really hope to see a guy wearing a purple shirt with the print I’M IN LOVE WITH A PURPAHOLIC on it.


8. Well, okay, I shipped that cheesy movies-loving, hearts-doodling, damsel in distress wannabe who wrote the first seven items, off to Vanuatu. This is another Jeahan speaking, and if you ask me, I really don’t care what you do to win my heart. You can give a girl all the sweet things in the world, give so much effort to make scenes from a romantic flick happen, but at the end of the day, it’s still never enough. What a girl really needs is sincere and unconditional love, love—something that should remind her why she waited for you for a lifetime—and everything else just follows after that.

This is what I want: a gift from above kind of Love, and maybe some free math lessons. :)

7

Thoughts that cross your mind a lot through the day.

1. John Mayer makes the most beautiful lyrics ever.


2. How come there are no branches of Krispy Kremes here in Cebu?


3. Gawd, it’s so hot. And I keep drinking coffee.


4. I hate Miley Cyrus. Friggin Hannah Montana movie.


5. Smile. Smile some more.


6. Oh men. Please don’t let Adam Lambert win American Idol. I’d die.


7. Fudge Sun Cellular.

6

Things you want to do/happen before you die.
(I own a whole notebook that sorely exists to record things that fall under this title; I chose my top 6, in random order)

1. Graduate. Go back to Manila. Get a job. Support my baby sister to college. Make my parents retire. Travel around the globe just like my tita.


2. Attend all my preschool, grade school, high school and college reunions.


3. Economic stability of the country, to assure myself that everything will be fine for all the people that I would have to leave behind someday. And not just for all the people I know, for that matter. I really want a better Philippines for all the Filipinos. Really.


4. Do something outrageous like skydiving or water rafting. Or just simply, umm, standing up for myself.


5. Publish a novel and be discovered by Oprah Winfrey.


6. Meet the dude. Marry him. Have my twins. Live in a really homey home. Send my kids to a really nice school. Make lunch for them. Remind them that I love them more than I ever did with anybody else. Share my stories with them.

And I really hope my future husband will still be around to hold my hand during the last few moments of my life.

5

Turnoffs

1. Like what I keep reminding all of them.
   

   It’s the government’s warning:
   Cigarette-smoking is dangerous to your health.

   
   
   I dunno. It’s not like they still need a translator to grasp that, right?



2. People who do not respect the word purity.


3. War freaks and adik na tambays who don’t see themselves anywhere 10-20 years from now.


4. Boys who take girls for granted—hands down.


5. Self-obsessed ones who do nothing but look at themselves in the mirror. Like duhrr, what the heck.

4

Turn ons

1. Sensible humor.


2. Best in Math and English. :)


3. Guitar-playing music genius who uses his talent for God.


4. Dreamy eyes, strong hands and a quirky grin. Haay.

3

Smiles that describe my life.

1. Simple things like ice cream, sunsets, braces-wearing children, the rain, butterflies, clouds, stars, white chocolates, bunnies and hugs.


2. People I love.


3. GOD. <3

2

Things you wish you never did.

1. Not being Cum Laude material in college.


2. Assumed and chased love when it’s not yet time. (this I still usually do)

1

Confession

1. I’m not as vulnerable as you think I am.

Let’s get it on. I am so ready to fight.

and more confessions to come soon. :)