What's it really like to fall in love?
I've heard too many tales from other people, but it still leaves me much too clueless. It isn't any wonder for me though: how should I know the feeling, when for seventeen years, love has never--not even close--come my path. They say love is an unexplainable feeling that you will never really understand, not until you have experienced it for yourself. Yes, I have missed out on hugs and roses and chocolates and sweet letters. I have missed out on gushing and blushing and serenades. I have missed out on the most beautiful thing this life has to offer--what I have always wanted (than I may never have)--the very thing that keeps people moving and makes life itself worthwhile. I have missed out on love.
I was never able to smile with flying hearts on my background. And I tell you, it's not easy. I am the person you see walking next to a couple who are holding their hands together. I am the person who goes inside a flower shop, looks at the beautiful roses and wonders just when I'd be able to get one. I am the person you happen to pass through the benches--the person who just sits, arms crossed, and stares at the laughing boy and girl at the bench just across. I am the person who secretly cries inside the shower room, wondering if there's really somebody saved especially to lift up the loneliness and emptiness I feel inside. I cry because I believe only Prince Charming can rescue me from this, yet he is so taking his time, I guess, that sometimes it's almost impossible to believe that he's ever coming at all.
And so, who is Prince Charming?
That is the big mystery.
It's like a quest to finding out who the real villain is in a movie--but here, the villain was never found, and the movie ended with the main character committing suicide.
Sad, sad ending.
People watching at the movie house threw popcorns everywhere.
Because sad ending = bad movie.
They all agree.
Definitely.
But of course, things can still change. My life hasn't ended yet, riiiight? I don't want people to watch the full-length movie of my life and throw popcorns afterwards, demanding to get a refund. No.
So anyways, let's go back to this huge mystery called The Search for the Unknown Prince Charming. It started from way back when I thought it was Andy*, but everything didn't work out. From my freshman year up until my junior year in high school, I thought it was Keith*. In my senior year, I thought it was Gabriel*. Last, last year, I thought it was Peter*. Last year, I thought it was Ted*. Last month, I thought it was Harry*. Last week, I thought it was David*. Yesterday I thought it was Bob*.
From too much assuming, I get hurt. I get hurt because these guys reject me. They don't see my importance. They keep passing me by for another girl. I can't tell you how much it hurts me whenever I guy shoves it right through my face that he has chosen some better girl over me. Only a few get rejected by love in this lifetime. Pity me because I am one of those unfortunate ones.
The situation is really unfair no matter how I put it. Sometimes I end up looking at the mirror, screaming at the top of my lungs:
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???
- am I:
- unapproachable?
- intimidating?
- too busy?
- weird?
what?
Negative adjectives I associate with myself ends me with this conclusion sometimes:
Maybe it's just time to face the fact that no matter what I do, I can never be as pretty, or as funny, or as smart, or as talented, or as awesome as those girls with perfect smiles and perfect hair and excruciatingly perfect lives.
Without meaning to, sometimes you just do figure out that maybe life is always going to be in favor of the other side when you see how some girls can just draw guys near them without taking much effort--sometimes, no effort at all. And when you think about the years you've spent just to taste a piece of one sweet love, you can't help but wonder why you weren't born like those other girls who get plenty of fishes in the sea.
Why do I have to be the loser who gets left no fish at all?
*Names have been changed just because. :)
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