Friday, June 5, 2009

Goodbye Summer. Goodbye.

Summer's done.
I haven't even been to the beach yet.
I'm so lame.
I know.
Boracay was too much for me last year.
That's why I spent my summer teaching kids.
I love kids. I always have.




The kids. Working with the Montessori materials.




Danna. One of my summer students.




Some Montessori materials. I am proud to say that I am a Montessorian. My parents are actually both Montessori educators. And I'm considering taking up Mont Ed after MassCom.


So anyway.
I'm leaving tomorrow.
It seems like I have to go over the goodbyes again.
I hate goodbyes. Especially when I have to do it to my own family.

I'm a junior now in a university so far away from home. I've been doing these temporary goodbyes too many times yet I still find it so painful. I knew from the moment I first went to Silliman, my life was going to change. I knew from then on that nobody was going to wake me up in the morning. Nobody's going to prepare my stuff to school. Nobody's going to help me with my homeworks. Nobody's going to run after me when I forget something. I knew that my life really was up to me. But what's really painful is that I also knew that I was never going to live with the people who have helped me survive life all these years ever again. After I graduate, I will have to move out and make a life of my own.

But being alone is not the perfect way to describe my fear. I actually kind of love being independent. It is one of the things that convinced me to coming to a university so far away. I was always protected and my life was so predictable and I felt like liberty was the only way I could do something I haven't done before. Sure, sometimes I'd break down and go: "I never thought it would be this hard. I never thought that I'd necessarily have to make tough decisions or I'd have to face constant challenges that seems impossible to deal with." But I have learned to live with that. And I am proud to say that I have faced many things on my own. I'm no longer such a little girl, for crying out loud.

What really, really scares me is that I have to grow and experience my new life without them seeing me go through it.

But what's really weird is that they don't know this. I don't have the guts to tell them how I'm feeling right now. Tomorrow, I'll leave and my sister, my dad and especially my mom would probably cry out loud, and I'd just stare at them, holding back my tears. No tears please, not in front of them, at least.

I'm not a very showy person when it comes to my feelings. It's always been an issue. I may be close to my family, but I don't share with them my deepest secrets. That's why I don't hate them for all those attempts of reading my journal. They just want to know. But I can't let them know. It's just too hard. In fact, it's too hard to talk about my feelings with anyone at all. I sometimes can't stand the idea that people know too much about me. I don't want to be selfish. I'm just afraid of what people might think. I just don't want to be judged. I hate being criticized.

That's also why it took so long for me to have a blog. This is like so public, but heck, I'm typing here anyways because I need to change myself. This is the first step towards disposing little miss secretive Jeahan.

Maybe that's even one of the reasons why He hasn't let me find Prince Charming yet. I have too much to change about myself still. I need to start opening up, and not keep these feelings to myself. I need to be ready. I need to be matured enough to handle a relationship.

So anyway. It's another school year. I have no idea what's in store for me. I'm almost turning eighteen. More problems. More fun.

Maybe I'll meet him this year. What do you think? You think I'll be ready enough to meet him?
:)

Au Revoir, Summer. I'm going to miss you.



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Monday, June 1, 2009

Confession Number Two

Actually, this is kind of like a continuation to the first confession.

As I was browsing through the posts on my Facebook account, I happen to see the latest pictures of him with her. And after all those things he said to me, after all those wishes and hopes and prayers, after all those journal pages, it all comes down to this.

And when I look at the smile on that other girl's face, I can't help but become bitter.

When bad things happen to us, we need to point our fingers on someone to make us feel better, at least for a while. It's like human nature or something.

So, here I go saying, I envy girls who receive flowers. I envy girls who receive text messages from the guy they like. I envy girls who aren't stupidly shy to hang around with the opposite sex. I envy girls who experience holding hands and late night phone calls and star-gazing and moonlight dancing and hugs. I envy girls who don't need to bring their heavy bags or pick up the piece of paper that they drop on the floor--the Prince Charmings can do those things for them, obviously. I envy girls who get the seriousness from guys. I envy girls who take no effort to attract somebody because every person seems to be attracted to them anyway. I envy girls who know the right things to say for a guy to call them the one. I envy those girls--yes, those girls who get a lot of fishes in the sea. And sometimes, I hate them. For taking all the fishes and leaving me with none. And so I starve. As for them, they eat those fishes. And they're not even finish with one, they throw it away already, and start eating another. They don't realize how lucky they are that they are not one of those unfortunate few who starve. Who crave for a fish for her own. They don't realize that because they are so much blessed with plenty.

Often times I feel like waiting in a room together with millions of other girls. We wait for our names to be called. We anticipate for it. Because we know that once we are called, a beautiful love life is about to start for us. And every single day that passes by, two or three girls get called. And still I sit there. My butt aches from too much sitting. But I can't stand up because I know that if I do, I might lose my chance to be called. It was the rule, see. We can choose to stand from our chairs and continue on with our lives, or we can choose to sit there and just wait for our names to be called. In my life, I chose to sit. I know I was better off doing other things while I wait--sky dive, impress a professor, be a beauty queen...anything. See, it does not exactly guarantee that once you leave that room, you'll never get called. But I still I refuse. I can't take chances. I can't leave. I must be ready, when I get called. I can't distract myself. I need to focus on this. I. need. to. be. inside. that. room.

My anticipation to be called has so taken over me.

I may sound so irrational, but you would understand if you know how much I want this. Being called is the one thing I want most to happen in my life. More than anything else, I want to hear my name and enter romance land. This is just how bad I want this. Yes, it hurts. My butt hurts. I am bored. Add to that the excruciating feeling you get when another name gets called and not yours. And every day you see more and more empty chairs and you're still there. It just cuts you into a million pieces.

But if that's really what it takes to find love, then fine with me.


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