In Denially Stupid For You

This should explain everything.
Oh gawd I hope you don’t read this.



We were friends back then.

Not exactly close friends—just friends. But we were friends enough for me to open myself up to you. For me to tell you things I don’t usually tell others.

And I sort of liked the idea of us being friends. Of us being just friends.

And then during my sixteenth birthday, things changed. It all started with that code you wrote on the card you and our classmates gave me. After deciphering that code and realizing what that code meant, I began becoming uneasy around you. Thus, the infamous Friendster comments began. When you started being sarcastic on your comments, I understood you. Because I was like that too. But when your sarcasm went overboard, you made me appear like I didn’t care for you. And that hurt me because I did. I really did. It’s just that the level of care that you were probably expecting from me was not the same kind of level of care that I could give you at the time. But you know what? If I just wasn’t hurt, I may have mustered up the courage to ask you to wait. The thing is that I was confused at the time. I was still figuring out how I really felt for you.

But what I really hated about that situation was that it did not have the closure it so badly needed. Have we ever really been able to settle that issue? Neah, I don’t think so. Sure, we were given by our classmates the chance to talk. Remember that night at the lib lobby? Actually, I was so irritated by you that time. Because you weren’t even half as serious as I was. That time, I started doubting if you really were taking me seriously.

Well over time we learned to forget about all that. I still had a few questions I so badly wanted to ask, but I learned to just do away with the fact that some things are just better left unspoken. So although things never went back to the way they were and we started talking personally less and less, at least we were still okay in Friendster and in YM, sometimes even in text messages. I started opening up more things with you again. Especially matters about my family. And you still were the ever amazing listener. You still were the one person who always understood.

And that’s when it hit me. It was all becoming awfully clear to me. I was falling for you.

But the awkwardness—the wall that was built because of what happened some months back—kept me from telling you how I felt. Plus, I was overanalyzing things that time. I kept asking myself:

What if he never really liked me?

What if that code he wrote me did not really mean anything?

What if he was just being as dramatic and emo that’s why he seemed just as hurt in those Friendster comments?

What if that time at the library when he showed his indifference was his way of showing me that all along I was just being an assumer?

What if the real twist of the story is this: that I really was just (ugh, yes, eternally) in denial and I was the one who really had feelings for him so when I first read that code, it signaled like-like from him when it was only just like?

I mean, you never really told me personally that you had feelings for me. But even if what made me conclude that you liked me were all DUHHH circumstances, it could have been better if I heard the words—whatever they were—come straight out of you.

Anyway, when I first heard Marie Digby’s Stupid For You, I was like, OHMYGOSHTHISISEXACTLYWHATISOBAAAAADLYWANTTOTELLHIMRIGHTNOW.

So when you were going all emo on your Friendster posts again, I told you to listen to the song. I told you to listen to the lyrics real close, while I say at the back of my mind something like so that you’ll understand how I really feel .

That was it, I thought. You were finally going to know how I really felt.

When you posted the lyrics on my profile I was thinking that you got the idea already. But as it turns out, you got confused pa. CONFUUUUUSED? Haaaay. I wanted to sapak you talaga that time. I mean, ano baaaaah.

It was supposed to be a secret that only you and I could share. I never told anyone about the truth. I never told anyone except for you. Sure, I’d share some stuff about us with some of our friends, but those were just bits and bits of the big chocolate cake that was my real feelings.

Eventually, I kind of gave up on you. I was hurt because just when I finally understood my feelings, there you were, but you never did—not even said man lang—something. I concluded that I was just carried away by your emo-ness and in time accepted that you really had no feelings for me.

So that summer after our first year, I started liking another guy. Sure, I did like him. But susko, isa pang lechugas yung taong yun. Anyhows. Despite that so-called summer romance I had, you were still there.

Shet, you’ve always been there. Sometimes to listen to my problems. Other times to compete with my sarcasm. And most of the time to make my life more complicated than it already is. But despite all that, yeah. At least you’ve always been there. Prince Charming was never there. But you, you were always there.

So for a moment there, you actually went a notch higher than Prince Charming’s level. Do you realize how much of a big deal that is? No other guy in my eighteen years of existence was able to defeat Prince Charming.

Realizing that paved way for my feelings to come back. For the first time, Prince Charming was out of the picture. You became the Big Picture.

But then something happened. When that summer was about to come to an end, I learned you were shifting to another course. That just completely, devastatingly, heartbreakingly surprised me. I mean, I know you’ve had plans of shifting but I never thought it would be that soon. I remember crying for hours that time. Yes, I was being completely selfish, childish even, for not really considering that you had your reasons. But that time, all I could think about was the idea of you being far away. Of the idea of Us becoming blurred out by different schedules, different groups of friends, different lives.

But I got over that too. I soon got used to not seeing you during classes, to not seeing you every day.

So just like what I had feared, we fell apart. And with pain too awful for words, I accepted that. And let go. Again. But the thing is that although I’ve liked other guys here in college, no one was really able to compare with you. No matter what I say, it has always been just you that I really liked.

I hate it when people say I am in denial because they’re right. When people would ask me what’s going on between us, I’d go with my Endlessly In Denial Monologues. For me, it’s better to be in denial…just so I could keep all that pride that’s left of me. It’s better to be in denial because I know that telling the truth would no longer make a difference anyway. Especially now. What, you thought I don’t know? I stalk your Facebook profile almost every day.

I could blame myself for what has happened to us. I never told you these things I’m writing right now. Aside from that Marie Digby song I forced you to listen to, I have not done anything. But if you think about it, have you?

I ask again. HAVE YOU?

The reason why I started to avoid you was because I knew that talking to you would really hurt me so, so bad. I couldn’t imagine talking to you without ever thinking of every single chance we could have had if only things have worked out for us. But that was before. In case you haven’t noticed, I grew up. I am no longer that sixteen year-old you left in MassCom. I have become mature enough to face you.

But if you thought I was the kind of girl who could make the first move, then you’ve thought wrong. I thought you’ve always understood that. All those three years, I’ve just been waiting for you to approach me. You should never have thought that every time you’d approach me, I’d avoid you. Because I really do want to talk to you. And I really do want to hear what you have to say.

You have no idea how much I miss you. I miss our friendship. I miss how you’d listen to me when I rant about my dad’s over protectiveness or my failures as a student. I miss how you’d make fun of all my crushes. I miss how I automatically think of you whenever I have a problem and no one else could help me. I miss how I can't say No to you. I miss how we’d connect with our same taste in music. I miss the feeling I get whenever people tell us how perfect we are for each other and I see that look on your face. I even miss our little arguments. Basically, I just miss your existence. Okay, I still see you. But whenever I see you around now, I feel like I’m looking at a stranger.

And you’ve also moved on. Which honestly, as it turns out, is the worst thing a guy has ever done to me by far. It could have been okay if it was just any other guy. But it was you. You moved on. You did not wait for me.

I don’t know why it bothers me so much seeing you with someone else. I mean, I do like you, but I have learned to practice the Let Go If That’s What It Takes For Him To Be Happy principle. Maybe I’m being bitter right now because since I started college, I was always that girl linked with you. Maybe I’m just not used to the idea of having another girl aside from me be linked with you. Well, it’s not like I reserved you and you absolutely have no right to fall in love with some other girl.

But I don’t know. Maybe this is the feeling they were talking about when they said that love can make you think and do selfish things.

Wait, I’m not yet finished. I remember quite perfectly you telling me that you don’t have time for any relationships right now. Yes, I completely accepted that because I don’t really imagine us being together anyways. At least not right now. So imagine the surprise and, right, rage on my face when I found out you’re with someone. I mean what happened to the I’m-busy-right-now conversation you brought up in Facebook?

Seriously, while I’m writing this, I am realizing more and more how unfair you’re treating me.

Yes, I am completely aware of the fact that you have your reasons too. One of my friends recently made me realize that the problem with us girls is that we only think of ourselves. Yeah, yeah. What about you guys, you ask. What about your feelings? But why oh why, can’t you just tell me what those feelings are? I am so ready to tell you all that I’ve been keeping inside. But I need you to approach me first. Why, you ask again. Well, it’s one of those rules in life that I just want to follow.

I can’t make you like me anymore. No matter how many more paragraphs I add on this post, I just can’t anymore. It’s too late na, right? And although it hurts, I can always learn to accept that. I’ve accepted much too many awful truths already. What more damage would this do to me?

I guess the only thing I’m asking from you right now is an explanation. A detailed explanation of your actions from first year until right now. I want to know why I get the feeling that people around me know something that I don’t. I just wish you’d tell me what you’ve been telling them so that I am not so left out. And by the way, I want to know why everything suddenly changed after I came back from Manila for the field trip. I was only gone for four friggin days and suddenly, you were completely changed.

Not that I have anything against the girl. I’m sure she’s amazing and all and I don’t want to include her here. The problem is you. You’re sort of being like a jerk, you know that?

Many times I was almost there—getting over you. But you keep appearing out of nowhere every time to do something that would make me like you again. And that keeps repeating and repeating and repeating over and over and over again. Now that you’re in love with someone else, I wish you’d just stop doing that crazy, stupid thing you do with me. Okay?

We were friends back then. And sure, we could still be friends now. But please stop hurting me first. It hurts enough to know that you can never be mine.

Yun lang.:)





Shit. I did not just post this.







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