You ask me about what I fear at the moment.

Let me start here: It's an obvious fact even a five year-old can understand that when you really, really, REALLY like someone everything that person says means something to you.

DUH.

And sometimes you interpret it the way you want because you want the feeling to be mutual.

DUH-rer!!!

But the devastating part is this: what if you’ve been reading between the wrong lines?

DUH-rest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (sorry for taking advantage of the unlimited use of exclamation points on my keyboard, I just want to make sure that you understand my wrath or fury or whatever)

So tell me, what would you do if you ever found out that he only sees you as a friend?

Ohgoodnessgracious. Killyourself ASFASTASYOUCAN…

…fine I’ll cut the drama. :(


But I'll let you in a little secret: Yes, I like him so much that I’m afraid to get hurt if I find out he’s not interested to have me as nothing more than a friend.

There I said it.

I’ve been making my life miserable for many years now. See, I am an assumer. Yes, haven’t you heard? Assuming is the first step in making a complete fool of yourself.

• In fourth grade, I assumed that ________ liked me when he announced to the whole class that his crush’s name starts with letter J. There were 15 of us whose name start with letter J. 15, mothaheffingsheek.



• Freshman year of high school, I assumed that _________ liked me when I caught him with his friends staring and smiling at me. Only later did I find out that the reason they were staring and smiling at me was because I stained my grey school uniform at the back. They didn’t even tell me, those Jerks.



• Junior year of high school, our Acquaintance Party, and the whole day all I’ve ever really been thinking was that ___________ would finally ask me to dance with him during the Free Dance. I assumed he liked me because he told me I was cute. Later on I found out that he says that to every girl in school (But that wasn’t the most devastating part, I realized, because what really hurts me even until now is that I never really experienced a slow dance in high school).



• Freshman year in college, I assumed that my long-haired classmate in BC11 liked me because he keeps staring at me. I found out I was wrong when one day, I saw him kissing a girl under that stupid tree in front of the soccer field. I never really knew the reason why he kept staring at me during classes. Maybe I was too ugly he just couldn’t stop staring, I don’t know. But anyway, because of that I have learned not to trust a Like signal from a guy’s stare…but that doesn’t really mean that I can’t keep making the stupid mistakes, right?



• Summer before my second year in college, I assumed that a guy liked me because of the long, sweet comments that he’d reply in Friendster. Even my friends thought he was IT. Now, you can only imagine the agony when right before my very eyes, he fell in love with somebody else. Add to that my discovery that he didn’t even type those comments. He made someone else do it. I was fooled when I already am a fool. Sheetofpaper. Can we stop talking about this now?

Oh seriously. Just kill me. All I ever really wanted was for one to return the same feelings I stupidly had for him. Is that such a crime???

I am beginning to hear the "Feeler Feeler Feeler" and other side comments at the end of my laptop. Is that noise I’m hearing right at this moment from you guys? Fine. I deserve that.

Because no matter how I make myself appear kawawa right now, the blame should be put on no one else but me. I mean, what in the world did I ever expect from those stupid aholes (oops sorry)anyway? I was a guinea pig to them. I was so darn naïve.

But I want you to know that I've had enough of my stupidity. HOOOOORAAAAAY. For a change, I don't want to be that person who keeps expecting that in a sea of strangers, somebody would uplift me from the emptiness I feel inside.

I am tired of being the one who keeps chasing.

I DON’T JUST DON’T WANT TO LOOK STUPID ANYMORE, for pete’s sake.

Let me get this straight. Well actually, I can’t get this straight. Because we all at this twisted situation I am trying to make a big deal of are so clueless. Really. I have no idea that they make fun of me. They have no idea that they hurt me. I have no idea that they hurt me. I have no idea. They have no idea. Period. Forget me getting this straight for you. SORRY. :)

I keep avoiding the same mistakes but I guess I never really learn because at the end of the day, I always go for what my heart dictates. Yes, ladies and gents. This is very Jeahan. Because even though a guy would give me the humiliation of the century, I may still go on thinking that he was doing it for my own good or any other reason as stupid as that.

I DON’T THINK CRITICALLY much. I always go for what I only think would make me happy—yes, some things did make me happy, but only for a while. Nothing lasted because I’ve been choosing all the wrong options. That's precisely the reason why I am always surrounded by the temporary happiness that later on unfolds into something scary that can break my heart into a million bits.

So I am afraid. For him. For me. For us.

Funny, by the way, how out of the many guys that I have encountered in my life, he is the hardest to deal with. I swear!!! He is just so hard to understand it makes me cry every time I try figuring out why. Oh shoot I did not just say that. Anyhow, although he has become the hardest to deal with, he probably would be the most unforgettable guy in my life.

I know continuing the friendship that we have started will really make me happy. But as our story progresses, what will happen to us? Will we become something that I have dreamed of all my life, or will we be just friends foreverandeveramen? (Ohgawd. I hate that I can’t predict my own future).

So you see, I want to avoid making more mistakes so I avoid him. I don’t want to put an end to our fairytales-ish story that we started many semesters back.

I’m sorry I couldn’t make him understand. And I’m sorry I have to keep denying my feelings for him. I don’t want him to be like every other guy—that’s how special he is to me. I am trying my best to not keep making the same mistakes for him. I try not to assume anymore. I am saving him but until then I think I’m better off giving him the blank stares whenever we see each other on campus.



P.S.
Yay! Another post! I would like to thank him, those guys who have no idea that they have wronged me, the B*tch ringtone and my stupid fan that is no longer working. I LOVE YOU ALL no matter what happens. Promise.
Haaaaaaaaaa. :)



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