Some weeks ago, I was writing about Those Guys Who Have No Idea That They Have Actually Wronged Me, and last night I had a
I am going to share with you, however, a journal entry about that person, to give credit to him for visiting me in my dreams and waking me up at 3am, sweating, panting, screaming.
And by the way, just to make things clear, this person I just had a
We’ll call him Chlorofluorocarbon, CFC if you hate tongue twisters. And if you’re wondering about the bizarre code name…don’t bother.
So before I share with you the entry, I ask please, don’t judge me. I was completely fooled then (and wait, if you think about it, I’m still fooled now considering that despite all the hurts, I still bother dedicating one whole post on my blog for him…TSK!!!). I was brainwashed and he didn’t even have to do anything.
But you know what? It just gave me an idea: if I become president of the Philippines, I would mandate a law that states No man should break a woman’s heart in any way—even when he’s oblivious about the fact that he’s doing it (aka the Heartbreak Law). Anyone who violates this law would have to pay a sum of P5,000,000 and serve ten years in prison.
Woohoo! WOMEN EMPOWERMENT!!! I mean hello, breaking a woman’s heart into a million bits is just like murdering an innocent person. I am not even imposing death penalty so I think all’s fair. And oh, the Heartbreak Law only applies to heartbroken WOMEN. Another law supporting heartbroken men could be issued. I just am not the right person to support that law. Sorry. :p
Anyway. Here’s the journal entry dated August 30, 2008:
I saw him last night. He was wearing his uniform. He looked really good it made me blush. I thought it would be our chance to finally talk.
“Just one genuine HI from you, Jeahan. That’s just what he needs for him to realize that everything did not just end last summer.” I hear my roommate talking and see myself like a puppy completely uwat-ed to whatever she was saying.
CHLOROFLUOROCARBON. He was my classmate but I don’t reckon ever talking to him during our class. We even became group mates, yet words just won’t come out whenever he’s around.
It’s not like I was even attracted to him at first. Yes, I knew he was kind and I thought he had that quirky smile I found irresistibly cute. And when our eyes would meet during class interactions, I’d feel just a little bit of chill down my spine. But I ignored these at the time for I liked someone else in that class.
The semester ended and summer came. I saw his profile in Friendster and decided to add him as my friend. After all, I knew him…he was my classmate, so why not add him, right? I never thought that it would be the start of that which added some sweetness to my summer (which later on made me realize that the beautiful things do happen during times when you least expect them to happen).
I once asked him why I’ve been meeting the wrong guys, the very reason, by the way, why I am like this: not completely a man hater but on a day-to-day basis, I try to keep my distance from the opposite sex. He must have laughed for I asked the question to him, of all people. Later on he told me (well, commented/typed) this: “You know, maybe you’ve already met the right ones, you just don’t know until you really talk to them and get to know them a bit (like what we are doing right now).”
When I read this on my computer screen, I actually cried. I CRIED!!!!!!! I kept on asking God, “Could he be IT??? Could that *insert his course here* boy from my *insert the class where we became classmates here* class be the person I have been waiting for all my life?”
He understood me. He listened. He responded. I didn’t have to pretend to be perfect or cool because actually, our imperfections were one of the things that we freely admitted with one another.
For many years I have been listing the qualities that I want to defy the man of my dreams. Hell yeah, he has to be TALL, SMART, ATHLETIC WITH A PERFECT SMILE AND A PERFECT LIFE. Maybe that is one of my mistakes. I’ve been keeping my standards so high. I’ve not been searching for the right person—I’m only searching for someone who can only live in the figment of my imagination, the one who’s undeniably perfect. But there is no perfect guy, I have come to realize. A lot of them out there try to be one, and that’s just so annoying. This guy, however, is visible, very much reachable and is just not afraid that he does something lame on many occasions. He laughs and learns from his mistakes. Isn’t he just the perfectly imperfect guy?
What I remember most about him is when he said (well, typed), “There is always someone in the world having almost the same thoughts as you do.”
Now here’s the thing. I have convinced myself a long time ago that it’s impossible to meet someone who almost thinks the same way I do because there are 6 billion people in the world and if there ever is a person who does think almost as I do, there’s only 2% chance that I’d ever be able to meet that person.
But that summer, the 2% chance that I laughed about suddenly became a hundred. Someone else in the world does have almost the same thoughts as I do. And that someone happens to be that boy, my seatmate during one activity, the one I completely ignored. Who would have thought??? While others searched high and low all over the world, I had mine inside the classroom.
He put the sweet, purple icing on the foamy, tasteless chiffon cake of my summer...
But the chiffon cake grew molds in time. Yes, everything started and ended that summer.
Everything ended because:
- After that summer, I never was able to muster up the courage to talk to him on campus, and why, you ask? I have no idea why, maybe I was scared, maybe I just wanted to wait or maybe we just weren’t meant to be, period.
- Wait. What ended? We never really had anything to begin with. He was just being a friend. A really sweet and good friend who makes you want to believe that you’re really special, like special I-want-you-more-than-a-friend kind of special.
- Again, ladies and gents. I WAS FRIGGIN ASSUMING.
I was being that natural assumer that I always have been so he got himself a girlfriend.
Oh you have no idea. Absolutely no idea how my world just shatters into micro pieces every time I see him with his girlfriend.
Let’s put it this way: I lived in this fantasy that I finally met Prince Charming and as it turns out one day I realize Prince Charming happens to be a toad…alright…not a toad, but just not the Prince Charming for me.
From the very beginning I have made myself believe that he has a thing for me, that’s why those comments I got from him signaled Like Like when it was just Like.
I REALLY WAS SMILING FOR NO REASON THAT SUMMER.
I thought I found love in him, but I was wrong. I was so, so wrong.
But tell you what. It really was hard getting over him. It took me many, many excruciating months to get over him. He really is the closest thing I ever had to a Prince Charming. HOW SAD IS THAT??? I used to think that even if he will never realize just how much I treasure him in my heart, I will keep on waiting that one day we would be able to talk and we will understand each other. I might only be assuming things again but still, I am opening my doors because maybe, just maybe, I am also special to him.
I can say that he is now placed in line together with the other people who can prove to you right now how much of a loser I really am. Especially with this. Especially with love.
I don’t hate him. I hate me. And I hate what has happened to us. If fairy godmother appears right now, I won’t ask for a new pair of Havaianas. I’d ask her to turn back time until that night when I saw his name in Friendster and added him.
I wish I never gave those comments. I wish he never was that smart. I wish I never let myself fall. I wish I don’t feel sorry for myself right now.
Yes, I have gotten way over him but sometimes I still wonder what would it have been really like if it had been us?
If he had become my first ever boyfriend since Land Before Time?
I used to believe he was perfect for me. But perfect is not perfect enough, I guess.
That’s why he never was able to approach me.
That’s why we never were able to talk.
That’s why we never got to know each other more.
That’s why we’re not together right now.
And that’s why they passed right in front of me, holding hands.
Enjoy, dude. I’m happy for you. At least you finally found that love you’ve been talking about some months plus forever ago.
Well, I'm not a fan. I heard this song from my sister's playlist one boring afternoon. It just struck me how much this song so much talks about how I kinda feel right now. Way to go, Taylor Swift. HAHA. By the way, I have nothing against The Girl.
Lyrics:
She can't see the way your eyes
Light up when you smile
She'll never notice how you stop and stare
When ever she walks by
And you can't see me wanting you
the way you want her
But you are everything to me
And I just want to show you
She don't even know you
She's never going to love you
Like I want too
And You just see right through me
If you only knew me
We could be a beautiful miracle
Unbelievable, instead of just invisible
There's a fire inside of you
That can't help but shine through
She's never gonna see the light
No matter what you do
And all I think about
Is how to make you think of me
And everything that we could be
Like shadows in a faded light
We're invisible
I just wanna open your eyes
and make you realize
I just want to show you
She don't even know you
Baby let me love you, let me want you.
You just see right through me
But if you only knew me
We could be a beautiful miracle,
Unbelievable, instead of just invisible.
She can't see the way your eyes
light up when you smile.
.........
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