Goodbye Summer. Goodbye.

Summer's done.
I haven't even been to the beach yet.
I'm so lame.
I know.
Boracay was too much for me last year.
That's why I spent my summer teaching kids.
I love kids. I always have.



The kids. Working with the Montessori materials.



Danna. One of my summer students.



Some Montessori materials. I am proud to say that I am a Montessorian. My parents are actually both Montessori educators. And I'm considering taking up Mont Ed after MassCom.

So anyway.
I'm leaving tomorrow.
It seems like I have to go over the goodbyes again.
I hate goodbyes. Especially when I have to do it to my own family.

I'm a junior now in a university so far away from home. I've been doing these temporary goodbyes too many times yet I still find it so painful. I knew from the moment I first went to Silliman, my life was going to change. I knew from then on that nobody was going to wake me up in the morning. Nobody's going to prepare my stuff to school. Nobody's going to help me with my homeworks. Nobody's going to run after me when I forget something. I knew that my life really was up to me. But what's really painful is that I also knew that I was never going to live with the people who have helped me survive life all these years ever again. After I graduate, I will have to move out and make a life of my own.

But being alone is not the perfect way to describe my fear. I actually kind of love being independent. It is one of the things that convinced me to coming to a university so far away. I was always protected and my life was so predictable and I felt like liberty was the only way I could do something I haven't done before. Sure, sometimes I'd break down and go: "I never thought it would be this hard. I never thought that I'd necessarily have to make tough decisions or I'd have to face constant challenges that seems impossible to deal with." But I have learned to live with that. And I am proud to say that I have faced many things on my own. I'm no longer such a little girl, for crying out loud.

What really, really scares me is that I have to grow and experience my new life without them seeing me go through it.

But what's really weird is that they don't know this. I don't have the guts to tell them how I'm feeling right now. Tomorrow, I'll leave and my sister, my dad and especially my mom would probably cry out loud, and I'd just stare at them, holding back my tears. No tears please, not in front of them, at least.

I'm not a very showy person when it comes to my feelings. It's always been an issue. I may be close to my family, but I don't share with them my deepest secrets. That's why I don't hate them for all those attempts of reading my journal. They just want to know. But I can't let them know. It's just too hard. In fact, it's too hard to talk about my feelings with anyone at all. I sometimes can't stand the idea that people know too much about me. I don't want to be selfish. I'm just afraid of what people might think. I just don't want to be judged. I hate being criticized.

That's also why it took so long for me to have a blog. This is like so public, but heck, I'm typing here anyways because I need to change myself. This is the first step towards disposing little miss secretive Jeahan.

Maybe that's even one of the reasons why He hasn't let me find Prince Charming yet. I have too much to change about myself still. I need to start opening up, and not keep these feelings to myself. I need to be ready. I need to be matured enough to handle a relationship.

So anyway. It's another school year. I have no idea what's in store for me. I'm almost turning eighteen. More problems. More fun.

Maybe I'll meet him this year. What do you think? You think I'll be ready enough to meet him?
:)

Au Revoir, Summer. I'm going to miss you.



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